I have terminal brain cancer. I’m not even sure I want to say what kind. Doesn’t matter. It’s the kind that wins. Doctors are saying months, maybe less if things go south fast. I’ve tried to keep it together for my wife, my daughter (she’s not even 3 yet), my parents, friends… but I don’t think I’ve ever been this scared in my life.
People keep saying “stay strong” or “just take it one day at a time.” But how the fuck do you do that when every day is just one step closer to leaving the people you love behind?
I look at my daughter and wonder if she’ll remember me at all. That’s the part that’s breaking me the most. Will she remember how I made her pancakes? How I did that dumb little bunny voice that always made her giggle? Or is she just going to grow up with photos and a couple of videos and that’s it? I watch my wife trying to be strong and holding it together for everyone, and I know she cries in the bathroom so I won’t hear. We haven’t really talked about the end. We sort of pretend it’s not real. Or we talk in practicalities; paperwork, insurance, what she’ll need to do when I’m gone, but not about it. The actual not being here anymore part. I’m scared of the pain, yeah. But more than that I’m scared of missing everything. Her first day of school. Her reading her first book. Her falling in love. I want to be there so badly it physically hurts. I don’t even know what I want from writing this. I guess I just needed to say it out loud. I’m not strong. I’m not brave. I’m just a dad who’s dying and doesn’t want to leave his little girl behind.
Here’s what people had to say to OP:
Start writing letters for your daughter and wife for big milestones. Like grad, turning certain areas. Make videos for your daughter reading bedtime stories with special books.
I hope your journey is an easy one.
Sobbing. This is such a great idea. Wedding video. Put something together so you can “walk her down the aisle” like a necklace or something she can wear. Get her jewelry with your handwriting on it. Record your voice telling stories to her about your life
Stories about *her* life. How you felt when you found out she was on the way, born, first steps, all of that. Her origin stories will be precious.
I think both work. She won’t know him. Those videos of his stories will be some of her only connections to him.
She’ll definitely want to know about her dads life
A wedding video is such a good idea. You mentioning voice recordings made me think of Build-a-Bear.
OP, I hope you see this comment. If you have a Build-A-Bear where you live, you can make a stuffed animal for your daughter and put a voice recording in it. They have bunny stuffies available, you could make one and insert a voice recording of you talking in the silly bunny voice that she loves.
Also birthday cards! Buy one for each year and write in them the things you hope for your child at that age, the things you wish you were there to tell them etc.
Edit: if every birthday is too much, try just doing the big years. 10, 16, 18, 21, 25… maybe an “on your wedding day” card. Something to allow her to feel connected to you on those big days.
I heard about a guy who paid for his wife to get flowers on future special days after he was gone, like anniversaries and birthdays. OP could do something like that for his wife and his daughter.
I have a friend whose dad died of cancer when he was 7. His father wrote him many letters before he died. Some of the letters were for specific life events. Some were more general, like, “open this when all seems lost and you don’t know what to do.”
My friend is 55 now. He’s been opening those letters for 48 years and he still has some left. He says it has kept his father alive and in relationship with him in a way that has been so special, so important, and so unbelievably potent. He has gotten to go to his dad for advice, to revisit that advice, and to look forward to new “conversations” with him even though he is not physically here. It has made an immense difference to him over the years.
Also, you’re enduring a million heart breaks every day now. Maybe it is opening you to something. I believe, and my faith tradition teaches me, that God often will give us the gift of a broken heart so that we might be filled with beauty, truth, and insight. Belief is a difficult thing, and never solidly built under compulsion, but life—and yes, death—also opens us to deeper levels of what it means to be human.
Create an email account for her and send her a bunch of emails, for her to have later. This is something we are doing for our children.
I wish I could upvote you a thousand times but unfortunately i can do only one so we have to imagine the extra 0’s .
Furthermore OP, i wish i had something magical to say that makes you feel better but I honestly don’t know what to say to this and I’m in tears a bit too as your words are piercing through me as I imagine what i would say, do or feel when i eventually will be in your shoes. But please know that i feel for you and keep you in what is my idea of prayers and wish you all the love in the world as well as to your family and hope that you’ll be able to create some beautiful core memories together. ❤️
I lost a couple of dear friends to cancer in recent years, one to brain cancer.
I highly recommend following Andrea Gibson. Do your best to make the most of the time that you have left with the people you love. Connect. Say all the things you want to say.
Any of us could have 4 days, weeks or months. It completely fucking sucks that you’re getting your life cut short. There’s no doubt about that.
But the next time your wife goes in the bathroom to cry, go in there with her. You’re still here. Hold her while you can, don’t leave her alone already.
“You’re still here. Hold her while you can, don’t leave her alone already.” – might be the 2 most important sentences in this post.
Not me crying like a sad little baby 😭
This whole post and your answer is heart shatteringly raw and sad 😔
OP- make a video of you just talking to the recording as if you were talking to your daughter with all your emotions. Sad, angry and whatever it is you’re feeling as you explain to her what she means to you and what’s going on. The worst thing for those who are left behind is having questions and no one to answer. I often reflect to my sisters sudden passing at the ripe age of 22. I often wonder if she thought about me, was she sad? Was she lonely? Was she looking forwards to seeing me again? Luckily I have a letter a month before and I read it so frequently (it’s 18 years ago now). It’s comforting how she was mocking our uncle and just being her, I got parts of it tattooed on me and it makes me feel like she’s with me always. Let your daughter have those things to see, to hold onto and remember you by. I would go as far as having those voice recorder plushies for her. But a few hand casting kits and do one with your wife, your daughter and one with both. Sorry life is so unfair. Hold both your girls tight every chance you get, smell them deep into your memory and tell them you love them.
It’s ok to not be ok. I truly hurt for you and your family, may this period be filled with great memories and peace for you.
My husband died suddenly last August from an aneurysm. It was a shock. My advice to you is both sentimental and practical. Get your papers in order, do not die without a will. Write your daughter and wife some letters. Make a recording of the bunny voice. You have the time to do it. Don’t waste your time worrying.
I wish I knew what to say this post made me cry.
Just be the best man you can be while you are still here, your family will always appreciate and remember you bro.
Life isn’t fair. I’m sorry sir.
I’m so sorry for you to have to go through this. As for your daughter, make as many videos as you can, saying happy birthday, high school graduation, wedding. She will cherish this even if she doesn’t remember it in the moment. What you have done matters, she will be who she is in part because of you, and nothing will ever take that away
